Kidnapping of an Elf
by Forestsilver
Summary: Saruman decides to kidnap Legolas and baits a trap with a bottle of Herbal Essences. The rest of the Fellowship must go to rescue him! But will they be able to, or will Saruman's powers and Legolas's blondeness foil their plans? Finished!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Thanks for taking the time to read my story. Unless you seriously hate dumb blond jokes, or are completely in love with Legolas and hate to see him insulted, I think you'll like this story.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
It was a bright sunny noon in Middle Earth. The sun shone down on the little company of nine, scattered around the grassy fields.  
  
Legolas was feeling good. He had washed his hair that very morning! He paused to caress the soft blond locks affectionately before continuing on his stroll. Legolas wandered into a forest that was growing on the edge of the meadow. Bluebirds were chirping and the trees all felt very happy.  
  
Even though the company was heading into great danger, Legolas was full of happy thoughts! He decided he was going to trim his nails after dinner.  
  
A little blue eyed, brown hair bunny rabbit hopped in front of Legolas. He smiled at the little thing as he unsheathed his knife. Pippin was going to be very happy. He had been complaining of the lack of variety in their food.  
  
Suddenly, the rabbit hopped away. Legolas ran after it with his knife waving in the air. The rabbit hopped over to a big oak tree and stood there trembling.  
  
Legolas smiled at the baby as he jabbed the knife forward. However, the rabbit ducked under a loose root unexpectedly and hopped away. Legolas tripped and accidentally cut himself on the cheek.  
  
He screeched and pulled out a compact, checking the skin. He frowned. It was probably going to scar. Legolas sat down and started to cry softly. Now he was never going to beat Galadriel in that beauty contest!  
  
He sniffed pitifully a few times and looked up, hoping that one of the company was there to fawn over him. There was no one there. Legolas was about to start crying again, louder this time, when something blue caught his eye.  
  
It was underneath a flowering bush. Legolas stooped down gracefully and picked it up. He gasped in joy. It was a full bottle of Herbal Essences shampoo! Even better, it was his favorite scent! The one he had with him was one of Elrond's old bottles, and it was almost empty.  
  
Legolas started to prance around in joy, forgetting his cheek. Suddenly, he stopped and frowned. There was something wrong with the shampoo. He sniffed it a few times and wrinkled his nose. The shampoo smelled like Orc!  
  
He started to turn to get Aragorn, but the bottle would not go forward. Legolas tugged at it in frustration and finally an almost invisible wire attached to it snapped. He looked up as a giant magical net fell over his head.  
  
Legolas screamed in agony. He was just sure, sure, sure he would have rope burns on his face now!  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ In the meadow, Sam was trying to teach Boromir how to cook venison the "proper" way. Pippin was watching them, licking his lips every then and now. Merry was hopping around the three, waving his hobbit sword around. Aragorn and Frodo were sitting on a really big rock. Gimli was asleep next to the cooking fire. Gandalf was doing loops in the sky, along with some chirping sparrows.  
  
Aragorn frowned. "There's something wrong with today," he mused. "Something in the air."  
  
"Yeah," said Frodo. "It's Gandalf. He's starting to scare me too."  
  
"Not that," Aragorn snapped. "I mean, not him. Something else. Something evil."  
  
"How can you say that? I mean, just look around. This is just about as happy and good as you can get."  
  
"Still. well, I suppose you're right." Aragorn shook his head. "It all seems very blond, if you know what I mean?"  
  
"Like Legolas?"  
  
"Yes. Say, where is he?"  
  
"I think he's bathing in that spring over there. Either that or washing his hair again."  
  
Aragorn shuddered. "Sam got our water from that spring." He looked to the water. "I don't see him."  
  
"Maybe he went in the forest," Frodo suggested. He fluttered his eyelashes at a pair of butterflies that had landed on his nose. Aragorn shuddered again.  
  
Sam stood up, banging on a cooking pot. "Dinner is ready," he called. Gimli opened one eye. Gandalf fell down from the sky and landed next to a little brown bunny with blue eyes. He petted the little thing. It whimpered cutely.  
  
Merry stopped bouncing around and plopped down next to the fire. Pippin was so excited that dinner was ready that he fell over. Frodo helped him up. Aragorn looked one last time over at the spring before walking over to the dinner spread.  
  
Sam spooned out the tomato soup and gave every pieces of garlic bread. Boromir proudly displayed the venison that he had cooked all by himself! (Almost.) Then he cut everyone a big piece. Gandalf started feeding some of his to the rabbit in his lap.  
  
Pippin looked at the cooking pot lovingly. "I can't believe that Legolas would miss a meal just to wash his stupid blond hair."  
  
"Watch it," Gimli said. "Legolas would skin you alive if he heard that."  
  
"Besides," Gandalf said, "we can't all be blond."  
  
"Thank goodness," Aragorn muttered.  
  
"I'm telling Legolas you said that," Gandalf announced. "And everyone, I'm naming this rabbit Glen. And everyone should call him Glenny, all right?"  
  
Glenny sniffed a piece of grass as canaries fluttered past the company.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
A/N: What do you think? There's a very convenient way to tell me. 


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note- Hello everyone! Thank you for reading this! Okay, I did not mention this in the first chapter, but this takes place after the Fellowship leaves Rivendell. At this point, they have not yet reached Moria. Thank you.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
He was cold. And wet, because the Orcs had fallen into a stream. And he hurt all over! But did the Orcs care? No! Legolas had tried to cut through the rope earlier, but the magic had burned him. Then, one of the Orcs took his pretty dagger away.  
  
Now Legolas was just huddled up, still in the net, and was slung over an Orc's back. He had tried crying, but all that did was annoy the Orcs. One of them was holding a whip near his head.  
  
He was covered in bruises, and one of his nails had gotten torn off. Yes, the entire nail! The whole finger was black and blue now.  
  
Legolas started sucking on his thumb quietly as the Orcs pranced through the forest.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
Pippin smiled. He was very happy. He had just eaten and Frodo had cleanup duty. Yep, not silly, stupid little Pippin, but Frodo with his big blue eyes that made almost every girl within a mile radius come rushing up to him and asking to be his soulmate!  
  
Ahem. Anyway, Pippin was very happy. He watched peacefully as Gandalf tried to teach tricks to his little bunny rabbit. It turned out that the wizard had a thing for little animals with big blue eyes.  
  
Gandalf was not so happy. The cute innocent looking bunny rabbit had just bit him on his very long nose. It was now a very long and painful nose.  
  
Gimli was asleep again.  
  
Merry and Sam were prancing around the meadow, among the daisies and daffodils.  
  
Boromir was doing… something over by a big rock.  
  
Aragorn was getting worried. Legolas had told him he would be back to do Frodo's nails after dinner, and the Elf was very serious about that sort of thing. Aragorn decided something must have gone wrong.  
  
He gathered all the Fellowship minus Legolas around him and started to talk very seriously. "Everyone," he said, "Legolas is missing."  
  
*Cheering*  
  
"And," he continued, "we must go look for him!"  
  
"Nooooo!" shouted Frodo. He started to run around in circles, clutching his curly brown hair.  
  
"Don't worry Mr. Frodo, I'll protect you," Sam said anxiously.  
  
Frodo stopped running. "You mean, you'll let him do your nails?"  
  
"Ahem," Aragorn said. "If I could please have everyone's attention again. Legolas (no matter how scary he may be) is still a member of the Fellowship. A few days ago, Elrond chose him to represent the Elves on our quest. He is our responsibility!"  
  
"You mean," Boromir interjected, "even though you wanted Arwen to go instead of Legolas, you're making us look for him."  
  
Gandalf peered over Boromir's shoulder. "Um… I do hope you know what you're growing."  
  
"Well," Boromir continued, "Not that I particularly want Arwen here. You two would be off on your own all the time, and then who would take care of the Hobbits?"  
  
Aragorn was not paying attention however. He was staring off into space. "Ew," said Merry, "he's drooling."  
  
"Why is he so spaced out?" Pippin asked innocently. Everyone else ignored him.  
  
Gandalf used his magical wizard vision to look inside Aragorn's mind. A little square picture, like a movie screen, appear a few inches away from Aragorn's right ear. Gandalf saw Arwen and Aragorn together at Rivendell. They were in a dark place…  
  
He stopped looking. Boromir was right behind him and started to watch. Pippin tugged at the man's pants, and Boromir started to lift the Hobbit up. Gandalf slapped then.  
  
Some little droplets of drool fell onto Gimli's face, and he woke up grabbing for his axe. However, Pippin just happened to be in the way, so the Dwarf picked him up and started swinging him around in a blind rage.  
  
"Help! Someone help me!" Pippin yelped. Once again, everyone ignored him.  
  
Gimli finally connected with Aragorn. The future King of Gondor was shattered out of his daydream by a flying Hobbit. "Well," Aragorn said, "Let's go kiss Arwen… I mean, let's go rescue Arwen… I mean, Legolas."  
  
A flowering bush moved and Pippin's head came out of it. "You want us to kiss Legolas?"  
  
Everyone ignored him.  
  
Boromir started cleaning up the camp. Gandalf picked up Glenny and started to stroke her fur fondly. Merry looked at the rabbit hungrily, and Gandalf shielded the rabbit's eyes from Merry. Sam was trying to catch Mr. Frodo and make him pay attention. Gimli went back to sleep.  
  
Pippin started to growl deep in his throat. No one ever, ever, ever listened to him! His eyes narrowed. Well, someday, they would. Someday… they ALL would! And he would get the Lady Arwen to himself!  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
The Orcs had stopped moving. Legolas was slapped awake and dumped out of the net. He lay shivering on the ground.  
  
One of the Orcs spoke up. "We… are going to torture you now!" He screamed guttural cries as the others laughed. Then, he pulled out a pair of scissors.  
  
Legolas screamed.  
  
In the background, drums started to play, very quietly.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
In the next chapter- Blond Legolas torture! (Oh, the horror!) 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3  
  
"Please, no!" Legolas screamed. "Not the hair!" He clutched the matted blond locks. "It's my precious…" He held out his bow. "Take this instead, it was made by the Elves of Mirkwood…"  
  
"Idiot," the Orc muttered. "We don't WANT anything from you… except for amusement."  
  
"Um… amusement. I can entertain you! Seriously, I can dance, and… let's see, I can sing! Do you want to hear me sing?" Legolas pleaded.  
  
The Orcs looked at each other. Legolas held his breath.  
  
"Okay," the Orc finally said. "You can sing for us." He started to laugh evilly. "Mwahahahaha. But we will still cut your hair first!"  
  
He brandished the scissors high. The stainless steel gleamed in the morning light. A crow that was perched on a nearby branch saw the steel and flew down. It crashed into the scissors and fell dead onto the ground. One of the Orcs picked it up and started throwing it around. Legolas watched in disgust.  
  
The head Orc, seizing the opportunity, snipped off a few locks of long blond hair. Another Orc came up with his hands full of ribbons of various colors and patterns. It pulled out of the bunch one that was red and green plaid and started to braid it into Legolas's hair.  
  
The first Orc chopped off another section on the left side of the Elf's head, making him almost bald there. The scissors nipped Legolas's ear, and he howled.  
  
More Orcs came up, clutching bottles of hairspray, gel, hair dye, as well as various hair accessories. Legolas eyed them warily.  
  
His despair turned into horror when one of the monsters shouted, "Let's play pretty-princess Elf Legolas dress up!"  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
They were lost. Pippin knew they were lost. He had KNOWN they were off track for over an hour. But would anyone listen to him? No… they were too busy following Aragorn, Mr. I-can-do-no-wrong-since-I'm-a-man-and-the- future-king-of-Gondor-and-Arwen's-love.  
  
Pippin scowled. Now everyone knew. And everyone was hungry. And EVERYONE was STILL crowded around Aragorn, looking for advice.  
  
He looked for the other hobbits. Maybe they didn't respect him much either, but at least they were his height. Sam was bending over a pot, cooking something. Pippin licked his lips happily. At least they would have a proper supper.  
  
Aragorn came striding over. He looked at Sam disapprovingly. "Boromir and I," he announced, "have figured out where we are."  
  
"So where are we?" Gandalf asked. He was lying on the ground and his rabbit was hopping around him in a circle.  
  
"We are three day's walk away from Moria," Aragorn announced.  
  
"Do you know where Legolas is?"  
  
"Well… not really."  
  
Gandalf frowned. "You mean, no. Say what you mean boy! And it doesn't help much if we have no idea how to find Legolas."  
  
Frodo looked up at them from where he was crouched down on the ground next to Glenny. "Why do we want to find Legolas again?"  
  
"So we'll have someone to insult," Gimli told him.  
  
"Oh well," Aragorn said playfully. "If we can't find him, there's always Pippin."  
  
Pippin sighed. No one would ever take him seriously.  
  
"Well," said Aragorn, clapping his hands, "let's pack up. Sam, you can cook that thing on the road."  
  
"I thought we still didn't know where Legolas was," Frodo pointed out.  
  
"Good point," said Gandalf. Everyone sat around thinking about it for a few minutes.  
  
Suddenly, the sky darkened. A Ringwraith flew overhead, cawing loudly. It was carrying a dead crow in its claws. The wraith dropped the crow down into the little camp. It landed in Sam's cooking pot. The wraith flew away.  
  
Sam pulled the crow out of his pot in disgust, and flung it over to a nearby patch of bushes. A very small and grotesque looking thing dove out of the leaves and caught the crow. After inspecting it, and finding it was not fish, the thing came crawling over to the company.  
  
Frodo screamed in a very high pitched voice. He leapt behind Aragorn. "It's Gollum," he whispered.  
  
Gollum looked up at the eight figures expectantly. "I…be…guide…to…Elf…for…fissh…"he gurgled.  
  
Aragorn looked at Gimli. Gimli looked at Gandalf. Gandalf looked at Frodo. Frodo looked at Sam. Sam looked at Boromir. Boromir looked at Merry. Merry looked at Glenny. Everyone else groaned.  
  
Boromir covered his eyes. "All self respect is gone," he complained.  
  
Gollum crawled up Boromir's back and sat on his shoulders. He pointed to the mountains in the distance. "Pretty…Elf…go…that…way…" 


	4. Chapter 4

Legolas was in a better mood now. Earlier the Orcs had made him sing for them, and that was not nice. But then, one of the Orcs gave him a leather bag. After admiring the fancy leatherwork, Legolas opened it. Inside were bottles of nail polish! Now, that was very nice of the Orc, Legolas had said. The Orc told him he happened to have the nail polish lying around.  
  
All the Orcs were gathered around the Elf as he showed them the best way to apply the polish over their very dirty and stained nails. Legolas happened to have some nail decals on him too, although he never used them himself. The lady Arwen gave them to him. Her father quite liked to apply them on rainy days.  
  
Too soon, it was time to pack up camp again. Legolas found he was actually sort of enjoying his stay with the Orcs. They appreciated common sense when they knew it. Unlike the Fellowship, although the little Hobbits were fun to make over…  
  
Legolas hopped onto an Orc's back and waited as the rest of the army moved into formation. He noticed that the Orc had a badge on its armor that had a logo of a white hand. He asked the Orc what it meant.  
  
The Orc started laughing. He laughed for a long time before he stopped, and then he told the Elf, "That is master. You will meet master."  
  
"Uh, well, is he like you all?" Legolas asked. That was one of the things the Orcs did that still scared him. They had stopped torturing him though. He thought that maybe they appreciated his advice.  
  
"Oh, not really. But he has long hair and long nails."  
  
Legolas clapped his hands. "Wow. Okay."  
  
Then the army set off. Legolas looked around and saw all the Orcs wore a badge with the white hand on it. He shrugged to himself and then took a nap.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
"I'm hungry," Pippin said to Merry. "When are we going to stop for tea?"  
  
"We're traveling with Aragorn, you dolt. We don't get tea, or luncheon, or bedtime snacks, or second breakfast with him."  
  
Pippin shot a glare at Aragorn, who was walking a little in front of him. The Hobbit could see the pretty pendant that Arwen had given him. He really wanted that pendant!  
  
Merry saw Pippin staring at Aragorn again. "You know, old chap, I'm beginning to think you have a complex or something with Aragorn."  
  
"What?"  
  
Merry shrugged. "Well… just that you must look over at him at least twice as much as normal, and you're always scowling when he's not around…"  
  
Pippin was now very angry. He tackled Merry and the two Hobbits went rolling into a ditch. As usual, Aragorn did not notice, and Boromir had his face buried in a map. Gandalf was trying to make Glenny walk on a leash.  
  
The two Hobbits rolled until they hit some tree roots. "Listen, Merry," Pippin said with clenched teeth. "I'm only going to say this once- ONCE- okay? I have NOT got a thing for Aragorn. I mean, just look at him. He hasn't shaved for about a year, so his face is really messy, plus his hair is all oily- I wish Legolas was here so he would wash it already- and if you just look into his eyes you'll see that-"  
  
He stopped. Merry was looking at him strangely again. "And you looked deep into Aragorn's eyes because…?"  
  
"Just forget it!"  
  
Merry shook his head doubtfully and the two Hobbits climbed out of the ditch and ran hard to catch up with the rest of the party. Aragorn, Pippin noted sourly, had still not noticed his Fellowship was two short.  
  
The Orcs made him get down and wipe his feet on the doormat- the head Orc fondly pointed out to the Elf that it read, Go Away!- before entering. Inside was a cozy little room with powder blue wallpaper.  
  
The Orc sat Legolas down on an armchair and offered him green tea and scones. Then they left him sitting there, nervously clutching the willow patterned china plate as they tramped away somewhere.  
  
It wasn't long before someone new entered the room. It was a tall wizard with long hair and curved long nails, just as the Orc had told him.  
  
"Hello," Legolas said politely, even though he noticed the wizard needed a manicure. "You must be the one they call master."  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
After much tramping around, the Fellowship was finally back on track. Boromir had used the maps to locate the place he thought Legolas was being held.  
  
The Fellowship could see a dark tower in the distance. They could hear screams coming from the tower.  
  
"Maybe they're torturing Legolas," Aragorn said.  
  
"Is he getting hurt?" Pippin asked.  
  
Aragorn nodded to him rather patronizingly. The Fellowship set down camp for the night, since they had found the place Legolas was being kept.  
  
After everyone was asleep, Aragorn went over to Boromir. In a whisper, he asked, "Are you sure this is where we will find Legolas?"  
  
Boromir turned over in his sleep. 


	5. Chapter 5

Well, I thought this would be a good time to renew my disclaimer. I don't really see the point of them, since we're all anonymous anyway, but…  
  
Disclaimer: JRR Tolkien created these characters. I, Evil Author, have twisted them into ditzes and "blondes" for my own purposes. I think that's enough. Everyone knows who made Legolas, anyway.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
Saruman stood over the writhing Orc. "You were supposed to torture any members of the party you could find… and instead you were NICE to him?!"  
  
"Please… please, beg your pardon Master. He was just so nice to us… and no one's ever been that nice to us before… and he sang for us and everything!"  
  
Saruman rolled his eyes. "Yeah. Sure. Well, what am I supposed to do to you now?"  
  
Legolas, who had been sitting in one of the lace-done armchairs, spoke up, because the Orcs really had been nice to him, and he didn't want them to get into trouble on his account. "Excuse me sir? I feel I must say if you torture anyone at all, it should be me. After all, I did distract the Orcs from their job and everything." He stood up looking much concerned.  
  
"What?" Saruman looked over, distracted. No one had ever volunteered to be tortured before. "Oh, right. You, the blond elf person. Well, if you really want to," he continued, looking malevolent, "I suppose I can spare this Orc."  
  
The Orc crawled over to the doorway and hurried out.  
  
"But then," Saruman continued, "I will have to torture you."  
  
Legolas faltered just a little under the icy gaze, but continued to stand up for his strong, if slightly misguided, principles. "I'm afraid you'll have to do that, sir," he conceded, looking earnest.  
  
So Saruman and Legolas munched on butter tea cookies while the wizard's henchmen set up the various torture racks and devices that had been in use for as long as three Ages of the world. Legolas was entirely preoccupied with reading a Seventeen magazine that Saruman happened to have lying around. It had a feature article on how to deal with split ends, and Legolas sorely needed that information, seeing how being dragged around by the Orcs hadn't helped his hair any.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
It was daylight again, and all the members of the Fellowship had woken up and eaten. Now they were finally ready to go up to the tower and rescue Legolas!  
  
They marched single file, with Aragorn leading the way. Frodo was right behind Aragorn, and then Boromir, Gandalf, Gimli, Sam, Merry and Pippin. It was really too bad they had put Pippin in back, because no one would notice if he were gone.  
  
The eight traipsed up to the tower. (A/N: This is not THE tower, by the way. It is just A tower that Saruman happens to be living in at the moment he captures Legolas. Like his summer retreat or something. And if you haven't read the books, don't worry about it.) A mail slot, a bell pull and a doorbell, all within close range of the door, greeted them.  
  
Boromir started to ring the doorbell, but Aragorn whacked his hand out of the way. "Are you TRYING to get us killed? If we want to sneak up and get Legolas, we don't take time to introduce ourselves first!" Boromir looked slightly put out, but clasped his hands behind his back so he wouldn't be tempted to do anything else dangerous.  
  
Pippin was leaning on the mail slot, slightly dozing. Suddenly, the slot widened into a chute, and he fell headfirst into the tower.  
  
"So," Gandalf said, "now what?" Glenny hopped onto his back and started to chew on his neck. "Bad Glenny! No! Bad bunny rabbit!" He started to shake his head furiously, trying to throw Glenny off. But the rabbit just kept hanging on.  
  
"Could we sneak in through a window or something?" Frodo asked. He looked up at the tower windows, which started at the fourth story and were framed by checkered blue curtains.  
  
"I have weapons that this little fellow could use for climbing tools!" Gimli exclaimed. He took out several small pickaxes, as well as a very long length of rope.  
  
"Good idea Gimli," Aragorn said. He started to fix Frodo up in an improvised climbing ensemble, using some of his own provisions as well.  
  
Frodo looked up again at the windows. To a Hobbit, they were very high indeed. "Me and my big mouth," he muttered.  
  
"Sorry, I didn't catch that," Aragorn said.  
  
"Oh, nothing."  
  
Meanwhile, Gandalf was still trying to get Glenny off of his very sore neck. Imagine his surprise, when all of a sudden his little bunny rabbit turned into an Orc!  
  
"Help! Help! My bunny rabbit had just turned into an Orc and is trying to kill me!" Gandalf yelled, running around. Everyone was too busy to pay attention except for Gollum. He stared at the wizard for a moment, and then went back to chewing on one of Boromir's leather wristlets.  
  
When Gandalf yelled again, Gollum looked up and watched with interest as the wizard was dragged, screaming, into a side door of the tower that opened up at that moment.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
The torture devices were quite ready. Legolas cheerfully hopped onto a rack and held up his wrists. "Strap me in, old boy," he said to Saruman. The wizard raised an eyebrow. This elf was definitely the strangest prisoner he'd ever had. However, he happily obliged.  
  
Soon the agonized screams of the elf were filling the air. Saruman sat back in one of his armchairs, picked up a cup of apple cinnamon tea- his favorite flavor- selected a copy of Martha Stuart Living from the coffee table, and relaxed to the sound of his favorite music.  
  
Meanwhile, Legolas was beginning to regret his stand for the Orc.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
Mwahahaha. Evil Author can do whatever she wants to the Fellowship.  
  
So… anyway. The reason that the tower is not THE tower (the name escapes me) is because it is located in Rohan, and I didn't want the Fellowship to go all the way there to get Legolas, and then have to come back for… well, you'll see. This tower is somewhere near the falls. You know, the one they push Boromir off of.  
  
Happy reading! Don't forget to review if you like this and want more! 


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Thank you, everyone who reviewed/has been reviewing!  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
Legolas dangled upside down in the air, sucking on his little finger and rubbing his side with his other hand. After the rack Saruman, for his own perverse pleasure, decided to hang Legolas from his wrists and tickle him. Then, the elf was spun around in the air for a long time (A/N: the way Gandalf was in the movie). Finally, he took a bath in a tub of hot lye (with a container of bath gel hanging mockingly just out of his reach) before being strung up again.  
  
Now he was watching Saruman bustle around the little kitchen in the tower, his hair pinned up and wearing a red and green plaid apron. The wizard seemed to have a strange penchant for plaid. Legolas had started to point out that the colors didn't correspond with the season, but Saruman just glared at him, and flung a deviled egg at him.  
  
He seemed to be in a bad mood, for some reason.  
  
Legolas presently heard some loud noise coming from the floors below him (they were on the fourth floor). He cocked his head, trying to listen. It seemed to be someone screaming.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
Gandalf tugged at the clawed hands that encircled his neck. Had the situation not been so dire, he would have started crying. His very own little pet, (who looked remarkably like Frodo) had turned against him.  
  
The wizard frowned. Where exactly did Legolas get the rabbit from anyway?  
  
Finally after much tussling he managed to get the upper hand. That is, the claws were no longer wrapped around his neck, but instead were firmly grasping his feet. As Gandalf stumbled along, he noticed he was going up. There was no other way- he had no idea how he got down here in the first place.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
After all that tumbling around in secret chutes and such, Pippin was hungry. Which was a good thing that he ended up in Saruman's basement storage room. All around him were bushels of potatoes, barrels of Granny Smith apples, tins of butter cookies and chocolate dipped eclairs… etc.  
  
Pippin was exploring Saruman's collection of wine when he heard a soft wheezing sound. Looking around, he saw that suspended from the ceiling of the storage room were live cows, pigs, ducks, and chickens. Saruman's meat supplies. The chickens had, for some odd reason, motors attached to their back.  
  
He wandered around the basement for a while, with a bottle of wine in one hand and a chunk of cheese in the other, exploring his situation. After all, he wasn't quite so silly as he appeared in the movie, probably. Because after much munching he found that, instead of taking the obvious way out through the big doors, he could climb what seemed to be a laundry chute. There was a pile of dirty plaid socks at the bottom.  
  
Pippin regretfully left the food behind and started up the chute, but not before tucking a few (or more) cookies in his pockets. He used his hands and feet to go vertically up. Pippin climbed for a while, and had already passed one opening, when a light appeared above him. A pair of bony hands threw down a bundle of cloth. Saruman! Not to mention, a red and green plaid apron.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
Frodo squeezed his eyes shut.  
  
"No, no!" Gimli shouted. "You must keep your eyes open! How else will you see not to crack that silly skull of yours on the ground again?" He pounded his hands together in example.  
  
"Please, Gimli," Frodo said, "this is bad enough already."  
  
"Bad? Why this is nothing. Wait until you try to scale the Lonely Mountain. Of course, I've never actually done it myself, but…"  
  
"Gimli." Aragorn interrupted.  
  
"Oh, fine. These young lads can kill themselves, if you and I don't mind them." But he shut up.  
  
Frodo opened his eyes and made a grab for a stone jutting out about two feet above his head. Clutching on to that, he pulled his feet up. Then… yes, again. And… once again. And… oops.  
  
"Easy there," Aragorn said as he set Frodo down. "How about you and I going together this time? I'll try it without the ropes." Without another word, he sprang up and hung onto the first story windowsill. Frodo looked glumly up at him and started to climb again.  
  
"Why do I have to go anyway?"  
  
"We might need someone small to distract Saruman, or get into small places." It was the first logical thing Frodo had heard all day. Not that that made him happy.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
Gandalf had managed to pry off the Orc at last, with a few well placed punches while the thing wasn't looking. He wandered up the torch-lit passageway. Occasionally, there were doors opening onto the passage. Gandalf looked in every one of these as he went along.  
  
In one of them, he could see a room full of chickens with motors on their backs, being propelled around the room. In a glass observatory adjoining the room, some Orcs wearing white lab coats were jotting down notes.  
  
Another one had posters of different people pinned onto bull's-eyes at the far side of the room. There was Galadriel, Elrond, Celeborn and… hey! He frowned, but smugly noted that there were fewer arrows in his picture than that of the others.  
  
Gandalf walked on and on. He felt that he must be pretty high up. He passed… more motorized chickens… what looked like a boardroom, with plans for conquering Middle Earth scribbled on the white board… a room full of ducks… a room with an elf covered in baked beans sitting on a lace doily in the middle of the floor… Wait a minute.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
Legolas just knew he was in trouble. It wasn't his fault the baked beans had burned… not really, anyway. And if Saruman was so concerned about his culinary products, he shouldn't have turned the elf loose anyway! Right?  
  
Now that old wizard was stalking around, muttering to himself and rubbing burn ointment on his hands… it was really creepy. Saruman didn't seem too pleased that the sauce had splattered all over him, either.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
A/N: This story should be finished in a few more chapters… I am going away for a month, but I am seeking a friend to post a few chapters during that time for me… if that doesn't work, DON'T FORGET ME! 


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Oh yes, and I am back! Thank you, thank you everyone who has reviewed! It's so nice to know people have been looking at my little story, and what they're thinking.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
It was hopeless, Legolas decided. The rest of the Fellowship must have gone off on the quest, leaving poor him behind in the evil clutches of Saruman. He was really starting to get depressed, something that had never happened in all of his hundreds and hundreds of years of life. He didn't even really care anymore that Saruman was going to do something terrible to him.  
  
Legolas stared at the door moodily. That was the key. that was the key to escape, he thought idly. The window wouldn't work, it was too high up. If he tried to jump out of it he would break his neck. or a nail or something. Legolas sighed. Nothing. nothing.nothing. no- Gandalf?  
  
"Gandalf!" Legolas screamed. "You, you like, came to rescue me!" He leapt off of the doily and flung the door open.  
  
His enthusiasm was quenched in the next second. "Fool of an Elf!" Gandalf hissed. "Where's Saruman?"  
  
"Ahem." An ominous sounding cough came from behind Legolas.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
Frodo opened his eyes. After many false starts, he had managed to get up and was hanging by his fingers on a fourth-story windowsill. He pulled himself on and looked around. Inside was a dimly lit corridor.  
  
"Frodo?" a strained voice whispered.  
  
"Yes Aragorn?"  
  
"MOVE!" Frodo looked out of the window. He was sitting on Aragorn's fingers.  
  
"Oh. Sorry Strider." Frodo leapt out of the way and did not notice that the door in front of him was open a crack. He burst in and fell on what he thought was a large feather mattress. It turned out to be a flock of chickens with motors strapped to their backs. When the birds saw him, they screeched and flew up and at him.  
  
Aragorn leapt to the rescue with his sword, Anduril. He managed to deflect every one of the chickens coming at him and Frodo, and soon all the birds were lying on the ground, stunned. "Come on," he whispered to Frodo. "Let's get out of here before they wake up."  
  
They tiptoed out of the room and started going to the left. After about half an hour, they had crossed half the winding circular pathway that was slowly inclining up. Frodo was starting to get bored and thinking longingly of the breakfast that morning, which now seemed very far off indeed, when Aragorn halted and ducked down.  
  
"Look!" he whispered. Frodo looked at the small window several feet above his head. "Oh, sorry." Aragorn lifted him up so his eyes were barely above the windowsill. Frodo saw Gandalf and Legolas in a metal cage. Saruman was pacing around them, looking pensive.  
  
None of the above mentioned noticed a large motorized chicken flying back and forth in the corridor.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
Pippin climbed up to the opening where the hands had appeared. He looked in the room and saw a washing machine, dryer and numerous piles of laundry. There was no one in sight.  
  
"What luck!" Pippin said to himself. "I must be close now. Wouldn't it be something if I was the one to rescue everyone?" He tumbled headfirst into a pile of some clean clothes on the floor, but to his surprise hit his head on something hard. Pippin felt though the clothes until he pulled out something very strange looking.  
  
It was a sphere, made out of some sort of glass, perhaps. The inside was darkish, with cloudy swirls. Pippin had a sudden thought that he could sit there for hours, looking at it. It had an almost irresistible charm, somehow. "Well now," he said out loud, "let's see what this is." ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
"I said I was sorry," Legolas whined. "What else do you want? You're, like, scaring me."  
  
Gandalf just continued to stare silently at the elf. He pointed at Legolas and started to mumble something.  
  
"Ahhh!" Legolas screeched. He backed up until he was against the bars. "Now you're, you're like trying to hex me or something." Gandalf glared at him for another moment and then started to chuckle.  
  
"Not funny," Legolas pouted.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
I'm not the hero type, Frodo thought. So why am I doing this?  
  
"One." Aragorn whispered. "Two. three!"  
  
Frodo swung the door open and Aragorn rushed in, with Frodo at his heels. The ranger started towards Saruman with his sword pointing at the wizard's neck.  
  
"Mortal," Saruman said calmly, "you would be dead as soon as you THOUGHT to strike." His voice turned gentle, beseeching. "But why must we all fight so? Come, put down your weapon and we can talk and have tea."  
  
Aragorn hesitated. Saruman continued. "Yes, I see that reason is coming to you. Let's sit down now, shall we? Only do try not to get dirt on my finely embroidered cushions. Care for a coo- a cook- a- a." Saruman's voice trailed off. His eyes were wide with horror.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
A/N: Hello. Hello. Hehehehehe. if you've read the books, you know what Pippin found. 


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Hi there, everyone. Just a note- my dear friend Joy seems to think I stole her chickens. So. I DID NOT STEAL YOUR CHICKENS, JOY! I merely borrowed them. If you must think someone stole them, it was Saruman, so there. This chapter ought to make it up to you.  
  
To everyone- R/R/Enjoy!  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
Aragorn grinned. He waved his sword menacingly at the wizard, but Saruman didn't even notice. "Strider?" Frodo whispered. "I think you better look behind you." Aragorn turned around slowly. There behind him was a flock of motorized chickens that looked very angry.  
  
"Who let you out?" Saruman screeched. He forgot all about the others in the room and started backing away until he was against the bars of the cage. Legolas started poking him in the back, but the wizard didn't even notice. The elf giggled. Apparently Saruman was afraid of his own creations.  
  
"Don't giggle," Gandalf snapped. "It's not dignified." But he too was staring at the scene.  
  
At the sound of Gandalf's voice, Saruman seemed to snap back to his old self. He glared at Gandalf and then turned to point at the chickens. "Be gone." he commanded in a spooky tone.  
  
They didn't listen. Instead, the birds screeched as one and dived for Saruman. He squealed and curled up into a little ball on the floor. The chickens descended on him and started pecking mercilessly.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
Sam and Merry were sitting on Bill's (the pony) back, utterly bored. They watched as Gimli paced back and forth. Back and forth. Back. and forth.  
  
"I'm really bored," Merry groaned. "Why do Frodo and Pippin get to go help rescue Legolas?"  
  
Gimli, without stopping his pacing, glared at him. "You're bored? Who's the one stuck here playing nursemaid to a couple of hobbits? I could be in there chopping orc-necks right now."  
  
Merry rolled his eyes and jumped off of Bill's back. He started to climb a nearby apple-tree. Merry was in the thick of the branches when a cry sounded out. Then in rapid succession fell Merry and a couple of Orcs, who immediately started trying to strangle the poor hobbit.  
  
Gimli yelled in excitement as he rushed forward with the axe. Merry saw him coming and screamed. "Don't forget there's a hobbit in here, Gimli!"  
  
At all the noise, the surrounding thickets rustled. A dozen orcs jumped out from behind a nearby rosebush and started yelling and waving their weapons around. Twelve more followed from behind a azalea bush, and several other pieces of shrubbery were still moving suspiciously.  
  
Gimli looked up and all around. "Uh oh," he muttered.  
  
Meanwhile, Sam was still sitting on Bill, mulling things over thoughtfully. "I thought," he pondered, "that Strider only took Frodo with him."  
  
Merry overheard and cried, "So where's Pippin? Sam, you dumb ass, get off that horse and HELP!"  
  
"Bill isn't a horse, he's a pony," Sam said indignantly, but he did.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
Gandalf groaned. Saruman had finally managed to get control of the chickens, and he transported them into the cage with him and Legolas. Fortunately, the chickens seemed to go for blond hair.  
  
He was watching Saruman beguile Aragorn with some amusement when a movement from the corner of his eye alerted him. Gandalf turned to see Pippin, of all creatures, come in. He was holding a darkish sphere cradled in both arms.  
  
"Pi-" Legolas started to cry out. Gandalf, with amazing speed, stepped over and neatly covered Legolas's mouth with his hand.  
  
"Listen, you fool elf," Gandalf whispered, "don't you ever learn a lesson?" Legolas looked at him, confused.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
That thing he found sure was heavy, Pippin thought. He saw Gandalf and started towards him, despite the wizard waving his arms wildly, eyes wide. Wizards could be weird sometimes.  
  
However, Pippin tripped as he was walking, and the sphere dropped from his hold and bounced on the floor a few times. Of its own accord, it started to roll towards Saruman, who didn't even notice, until.  
  
The room darkened. The sphere glowed bright red, and out of its depths came.  
  
The Eye of Saruon  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
The eye of Saruon peered all around before its gaze fell on Saruman, who stood still as if petrified. He gave a small nervous chuckle. "Heh, heh, heh, Master. I'm. ah, so pleased to see you."  
  
A hissing sound- laughter?- came from the eye. It remained fastened on Saruman. A red beam of light shot out from it suddenly, and aimed itself at Saruman's head. There was a sudden flash of light, and the eye disappeared from the sphere.  
  
A cackling laughter filled the room. It grew and grew and grew until everyone was covering their ears. Outside of the tower, the Orcs suddenly stopped fighting and cowered in fright.  
  
Slowly the sound faded away only to be replaced by a new one. Saruman was wailing in a high-pitched voice. He tried to cover his head with his hands, and that's when they all noticed it.  
  
His eyes were rimmed with tears. And his hair. was platinum blond.  
  
~~ ~~~ ~~ ~~~~ ~~ ~~~ ~~  
  
A/N: Wow. This is almost done. just a chapter or two left, I think. R/R! 


	9. Chapter 9

All was silent. Until Legolas burst out laughing.  
  
"What is so funny?" Gandalf snapped.  
  
Legolas giggled. "Oh, nothing. It's just that, well, now he's a blonde!"  
  
Aragorn rolled his eyes. "Legolas, YOU'RE a blonde."  
  
"Well, yeah, but that's beside the point. It's so funny!" Most all the Fellowship agreed on this point. Saruman's white robes had mysteriously changed to tie-dye hot pink, and his nails were purple.  
  
"Why did the eye make that wizard look different?" Pippin wanted to know.  
  
"Ha! I know," Gandalf said. "It means that Saruman is no longer the white- he is not fit to wear robes of white! Ha! That means he's no longer a better wizard than me! Ha! That means I am the only candidate! Ha!"  
  
"But Gandalf," Aragorn pointed out, "you have to die first, remember?"  
  
"Oh yeah."  
  
The chickens had mysteriously vanished when the Eye came. Because Saruman was reduced to a pathetic little sobbing figure, Gandalf was able to transport himself out of the cage. He decided to leave Legolas inside for the time being.  
  
Gandalf went over to inspect Saruman, who seemed to be utterly oblivious to everything. "All right," Gandalf said, "let's get out of here. Before he snaps out of it."  
  
"So, that bad wizard can't do any more harm?" Frodo asked nervously. Before Gandalf could reply, everyone suddenly became aware of yells and the clash of steel outside.  
  
Aragorn dashed over to a window and looked out. "Gimli and Sam and Merry are in trouble!" he yelled. He jumped out of the window and landed on top of some Orcs, knocking them senseless. The next one to follow was Pippin.  
  
"Get back here, you fool of a Took!" Gandalf yelled. "You'll only get yourself killed!" Since it was obviously too late for Pippin to get back there, Gandalf flew out of the window, muttering to himself ominously. Frodo watched him go. He leaned out of the window to watch the battle below. With Aragorn's and Gandalf's (not to mention Pippin's) help, the Orcs were beaten back and ran into the tower crying for their mummy.  
  
Aragorn wiped the blood from his sword and looked up and saw Frodo still in the tower. "Jump!" he yelled. Frodo reluctantly jumped and landed in the top branches of a nearby tree. He went crashing down for a bit before he landed on something. Boromir.  
  
"What are you doing here?" Frodo said rather accusingly.  
  
Boromir shrugged. "I was up here picking apples when the fighting began. You wouldn't expect me to go down there right then, would you? Besides, it looked like Gimli and the hobbits had things under control."  
  
Frodo rolled his eyes and dropped the rest of the way down.  
  
Soon the Fellowship was ready to go. They had just started walking when Pippin, ever full of questions, asked Gandalf where they were going.  
  
"Well," Gandalf said, "first we have to go to the mines of Moria so I can die, and then the rest of you will go on to Lothlorien."  
  
Sam gasped. "Does that mean we'll get to meet more Elves?"  
  
Aragorn rolled his eyes. "I think the one elf we have with us is quite enough, don't you?" Everyone waited for Legolas to say something defensive.  
  
After the moment passed and no one said anything, they realized Legolas was still in the cage at the tower. After much grumbling on the part of everyone (can't we just leave him there? No, we went to all the trouble of rescuing him and we have to get him back, so there) they went back to the tower.  
  
Legolas was still in the cage. He was covered with little bite marks, because the chickens had mysteriously returned. Several of them lay on the floor of the cage, and Legolas's knife had blood on it.  
  
He was even more whiny than usual. "I can't believe you forgot about ME! You went all the way here to get me and then you all just FORGOT about me?" After a few minutes of this everyone had had enough and Gandalf placed a large piece of magical tape on the elf's mouth.  
  
From the mumbling that was still going on, they could tell Legolas was whining about how that would ruin his perfect skin.  
  
Finally Boromir knocked him out. This proved to be a mistake, since then everyone had to take turns carrying him.  
  
So, Elf in tow, the Fellowship was on its way to the Mines of Moria so Gandalf could get himself killed, and then to the magical Golden Wood and beyond.  
  
The End 


End file.
